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I thought the day you said we were through was the worst day of my life.
I was wrong.
Right now. This day… this moment, the world could come to an end and I would never notice. Because right now SG-2 has gone out there to bring your body home.
Home. To the SGC. To me. And not a person here knows what we had and what I’ve lost. The Project has lost the best mind this planet could offer. This command has lost a highly skilled member. A lot of folks here have lost an incredibly close friend.
And me?
I’ve lost my best friend and my reason for living.
I’ve lost my lover.
Actually, to be accurate, my ex lover.
Daniel, what did we let happen between us? What did we do ... or not do ... that broke the understanding that was the cement in our relationship? The feelings that were the foundation of our love? I don't even remember what the hell we fought over that night. How could two people who held so much love for each other let some dumb little situation blow up into something that neither one of us felt we could back down from? So stupid. So fuckin' stupid. Both of us caught up in an anger neither of us could, or would, step back from. Anger so raw and primal that we couldn't see past our own emotions and make the first steps to mend the crack beginning right there between us.
Okay. I was a jerk. No. Jerk doesn’t even begin to cover it. I was a flaming fuck-ass son-of-a-bitch that just had to win that one. Had to make you agree with me on something just to prove that you’d isten to me. And you? For some God-forsaken reason that night all the common sense and understanding you ever had went right out the window. You didn’t want to hear. Your wouldn’t hear. And when I finally realized just what I was doing to the two of us, you took great pride in using those famed Jackson language skills to tear me and my heart into shredded bits of bloody meat on your living room floor. And for the piece de' resistance, you used that tone of voice you know reduces me to the lowest scum of the earth to explain, in chill glacial detail, that our friendship was over, our relationship was over … our ’happy ever after for the rest of our lives 'til death do us part’ was over.
And then you told me to leave and never come back.
It really didn’t come as any great surprise that you turned in a request to Hammond to be assigned to another team. To tell the truth, I was really impressed with the way you handled yourself and the reasoning you used.
And it didn’t come as any surprise that SG-11 was ecstatic to have you come on board. You were the best present they ever got.
It never came as a surprise, but it hurt more than I believed possible, when you weren’t there when SG-1 would come back from a mission... intact or not. I figured you'd at least show up to say 'Hi' to Rothman, but it just never seemed to happen. Even when we got our asses whipped to within an inch of our collective lives, you never came by.
No ... I stand corrected. I overheard one of the nurses mention how you’d come and check in on the others then stop by the foot of my bed - only if I was asleep or totally gonzo out of it - to just stand and stare for a couple of minutes. She had said, sometimes, you’d start to reach out your hand then jerk it back, like you caught yourself about to touch something embarrassing … or distasteful. And then you’d leave.
But every chance I got, I was there when SG-11 came home. I had to. I needed to see for myself that ‘9-Lives Jackson’ had pulled off another one and made it back. You scared the hell out of me when you came back from P3X-445 with half the natives of that world, along with a half dozen pissed-off Jaffa, on the team's tail and your own tail more than a bit crispy around the edges. But you made it back alive and pretty much whole. I mean… nothing Janet couldn’t fix. I came by the infirmary every chance I could, but I ... I was uncomfortable. Every time I poked my head in, I could tell just by the so gentle brush-off that you’d passed on the word that one ex-CO Jack O’Neill really wasn’t needed as a visitor.
I may be dense, but even I can take a hint.
So this is the last time, Daniel. The last chance I'll have to see your face. The last time I’ll let my fingers drift through the silkiness of your hair. The last time I'll feel the softness of your cheek against my palm.
The last time I’ll be waiting for you to come home.
** fini **
CLASSIFIED MISSION BRIEFING
RETURN TO SGC
OFF BASE
