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I knew things were bad. And that they were getting worse. I just couldn't figure out what the hell to do about it, ya know? And how bad they really were. Ya think you know someone. That you're in close with them. Think what they think before they think it. Find yourself finishing their sentences before they can even get the words outta their mouths.
And then. Blam! You find you've been staring at a total stranger all this time. P>Looking back on it, all the signs were there…. we just didn't know what we were looking at. Janet keeps telling all of us that: over and over and over again. We couldn't have known. We didn't know what to look for. There was nothin' any of us could have done.
God, I just wish she'd shut up, already! Knowing none of us could have seen it coming doesn't make the fucking pain go away.
He just seemed down. That's all. Maybe more than times in the past, but hey ... it's happened and everybody's gotten through it. Even him. Just more ... distant, maybe...more in his 'shell'. But Janet checked him out; said he 'was okay... maybe just a bit 'moody'. Like folks get when it's around that time of year that something bad's happened in the past.
Like with Charlie.
Oh God, this hurts! This hurts bad...so bad! And it ain't gonna go away... it ain't ever gonna go away. My baby was bad, but now?
I know all he wanted to do was talk. Hell, I don't know about what. Doesn't make a 'never-no-mind'. Maybe just needed be around someone. Got a case of the 'lonelies'. Swill some coffee… check out his e-mail. Ah, Fuck it! Doesn't matter anymore.
What matter is I didn't take the time out from my attitude to be there.
I was tired, had a stack of papers falling off my desk, was still carrying a case of the ass from some stupid little piss-ant argument we'd had earlier over God knows what and I didn't want one more thing happening at the end of the damn day. I didn't do my job as a CO. I didn't do my job as a Team Leader.
And I sure as hell wasn't there for my friend.
He just stood there in the doorway, staring at me with that weird, numb look he gets ... Oh God! ... 'would get' ... when he wanted... wanted ... Hell. Just 'wanted'. And I stared him back until he backed down and walked off. He didn't say word one. Just kinda sighed and turned away. And I didn't pull my head out of my ass to 'see' what was happening.
I can see his face in my mind now. Hell ... I can't get rid it ... it won't go away ... day or night. Anywhere I turn it pops up in front of me and smacks me. Screams at me. I should have seen it. I should have. I. Should. Have! But nooo ... 'Mr. No-Touchy-Feely' was on duty that night and I blew it all off. The total look. The posture.
The eyes.
Oh, Mother Mary... those eyes! Please God, make them go away! I can't stand to see his eyes any more! I know I'll always see those eyes. They were the last thing I ever saw of him.
Except the empty husk lying on my quarter’s floor.
And the blood.
How can one simple, gentle man have so much blood in him? And cold. So cold. It must have been right after he left my office for him to have been so cold.
And still. Cold and still in my arms until someone finally found the two of us, curled together... rocking back and forth on the hard concrete floor.
None of us knows why he did it. Nobody wants to guess. Why? It won't bring him back. Nothing will ever bring him back. No sarcophagus, no Nox. Nothing.
Ah, God kid, if you had to. ..if that was the only thing you could do to stop whatever the hurt was....okay. I would have forced myself to live with that.
But Danny ... you Son-of-a-Bitch! ...why did you have to use my gun?
*** the end ***
DECLASSIFIED MISSION BRIEFING
RETURN TO SGC
OFF BASE
