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We've been home from Kheb for over 8 hours. And 6 of those were taken up with physicals, debriefings and endless glances full of quiet sympathy. It was all I could do to keep my mind on the situation around me until I could grab enough time to snag a jacket from my quarters and head topside to find a empty place under the stars.
Jack kept asking if I was all right. I guess so. As all right as someone can be who was given just a brief moment of life to hold his son - his wife's child - in his arms and then give him up for what could very well be forever.
Oh Dear Lord, I'd forgot how beautiful a baby could be - full of such openness and innocence. So full of life. And I almost took that life from him. I was so sure that I could take care of him, be there to protect him. And all the while a tiny part of me kept screaming that I couldn't even take care of my friends …. or myself. How the hell could I ever hope to be the guardian, the safeguard to what may be the most important life in this universe and quite possibly beyond? I wanted so badly to believe I could do it. That I had learned something special - had become someone special. And all I'd done was talk myself into believing I was more than I ever could be.
Such a short time and God, how I miss him already. His weight in my arms, his breath on my neck and chin. Strong little hands fisting themselves in my shirt. And the way he smiled when he first saw me… like he knew me - recognized the bond of love we both already shared through our love for Shau'ri. And such blue eyes. I know they were the eyes of a child… not yet ready to turn their final hue, but for those few brief minutes, I could see myself reflected in the blue of those eyes.
I don't really care anymore who fathered him. He's the son of my wife. He's *my* son and will always be my son and to hell with that god damned snake Apophis!
I don't know who or what 'she' is. Guess it's as easy to call her 'she' as anything else, but she really seems to care for him. And I could sense it was for than more then just his heritage. She wanted him to be safe. And she knew that I had to learn, my way, that he was safest with her and not me. That the responsibility had passed to her hands.
That I had to let him go.
God! I can't be with him. I can't hold him. I can't feed him or change him or cuddle him when the tears fall. I'm not strong enough. I'm not good enough. And I can't fool myself anymore that I am or might be. I know for good that I'm not.
But I can love him. And care about him and worry about how he's doing. Wonder what things he's learning. Imagine what experiences his life has in store... how he'll grow from them.
And I can pray with all my heart that one day she'll bring him back to me as her 'touch' promised … the misty sound of her 'voice' in my mind promised. I want to see my son one last time before I die. Be able to let him know how much his mother and I loved him.
Until then? I have the earth, the sky and the stars to remind me - she did teach me that. And the soft, evening wind to sing a child's lullaby that only my ears can hear.
{the end}
DECLASSIFIED MISSION BRIEFING
RETURN TO SGC
OFF BASE
