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[Jack]
What do you see when you look at me? What is there that draws you to me, makes you want to be with me, trust me, need me? I'm old, Danny. God, so old. Older than years could ever make me. Why would you ever want me? I'm a cold, callous bastard at times: arrogant; even cruel. Over the years I've distrusted you, hurt you, questioned your every action and decision. Even sent you to your death. How can you find it in your soul to trust me in spite of all that, let alone love me? Is there really any hope for that love, Daniel? Or am I praying for love where there was really only few brief moments of loneliness and passion.
How could I ever have let you get that close to me? I've worked so hard at keeping my heart hidden behind walls of fear and self hatred of my own making for twenty long years. How did you slip in? How did you get past my defenses? I am awed when you look at me so trustingly: with such total acceptance. Damn it, Danny. I'm your C.O. How can I truly honor that trust when we both know that somewhere, sometime, something will happen and I'll be forced to make a decision that may hurt you? Even kill you? I'll fail you the same way I've failed so many others before: my team mates, my son, my wife.
Myself.
Please don't trust me, Danny. For God's sake, don't trust me! I don't deserve it!
I want you. Dear God, I want you so badly. As a friend, as a partner, as a lover. To try and make you realize that as long as I draw breath you are never going to be alone again. You bring out all the truly good parts of me and let me shove through the self hatred. You look past the façade and see through to the real me. And you're not repulsed by it. Daniel, your love and concern for me is the first good reason I've ever had for continuing on with this life. A reason not to eat my own gun and buy myself a ticket out of this whole living thing.
But none of this is worth risking our friendship. If we have to 'make' this love work, it was never really there at all. If it should put our comradeship at risk, I will retire first - leave the project. Pack up, walk out and never look back, slowing dying inside with every step that takes me away from you. I could force myself to live without your love. I could never live without your friendship, not matter how much it would tear at me. No 'love' is worth that.
You are the moon and stars in my night sky. The depths of your eyes has become my universe. You are the other half of my soul.
You are my beloved.
Will I love you for as long as you live? No, my heart. That's not a
promise I can make. I will love you for as long as I live... and past,
into eternity.
[Daniel]
What do you see when you look at me? What is it that draws you to me, so like a moth to a flame? You are my beginning and my end. My alpha and omega. My time before, my time now and all my time to come. Without you, there is no moment, no now … only existence. With you, I am alive at last, not just pretending to be. Can't you see the joy, the hope, the total and complete happiness being with you has brought me? Can't you see that you are my completion… my other half? When you look at my face, do you see my quietness as hesitance? Distance? Pity? Or will you ever look past that façade and see the burning ball of love that I would give you to hold?
There are things I know you can't comprehend. That I'd give my life for yours, if it should come to that, with no questions, no regrets. My life? That's such a cheap price to pay. If you left my world, my soul would die. There would be no reason to continue. A long dry existence until I joined you in death. Do you see the longing, Jack? Do you see the desire? Do you see the love … the real, honest to God, life's blood love I have for you? Can you ever understand what it's like to be willing to open up and let someone inside like this? To give someone else the key to all your secret fears and horrors ... and to trust them so completely that you feel truly safe with another human being for the first time in your life? To know deep inside that you would never hurt me?
You may never believe me, I know. So all I can do is love you, be there for you and never let you go. You are my heart, my soul, my reason. You are my friend, partner and lover. You are the other half of my soul… lost so long ago, but now found for all eternity.
Oh, God, if I only could find the words to tell you… to make you understand. With all I know … with all the languages of the world at the tip of my tongue, why can't I find a way to say "I Love You"?
You are the sun and wind in my desert. The forests and mountains of my world.
And I will love you with a love not bound by this life or the life hereafter, no matter where our paths may lead.
Will I love you forever? No, my love, I can't promise that. But I will love you for forever … and a day.
** The end **
CLASSIFIED MISSION BRIEFINGS
RETURN TO SGC
OFF BASE
